Going beyond the beaten path – Thinking and deciding for oneself
About defiant children who leave their parents
The quote from Albert Einstein hits the nail on the head: „The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.“
We keep doing the same thing, thinking that just because we’ve tweaked it a little, we’ll get completely different results. How is that possible when we haven’t even taken a step away from our old and familiar territory?
I, too, prefer changes in smaller doses. And what I really don’t like is being oppressed by others or when someone tries to impose their opinion on me.
I am a big fan of making my own decisions and shaping my life freely according to my own criteria. Even as a child, I could only be satisfied with the answer to my question of why I had to do something if it made sense to me.
The absolute no-go for me was the answer „Because I said so!“ I just don’t understand this answer. Yes, the natural hierarchy in the family might mean that one has to listen to one’s parents, but if there is no explanation for an action, it is not a satisfying answer for a curious and knowledge-thirsty child. A child wants to understand and be able to draw its own conclusions, connecting newly learned things with known ones in the brain, creating a knowledge network that lasts into old age.
Rules and boundaries, without purpose
Now, throughout life, we encounter rules and boundaries everywhere that seemingly make no sense, yet we are supposed to follow without objection. Whether in school, at work, or in social life, other people always seem to think they can keep their „peers“ down or take away their right to have a say. Probably, in Germany, it has never been as apparent as in the past two years that our previous freedoms can be restricted or completely taken away from one day to the next.
As a child, I was grounded quite often because, with my stubbornness, I could get very angry if I wasn’t allowed or given something that I felt I rightly deserved. And since my parents were familiar with more southern parenting methods, they didn’t hesitate to pass on the physical punishment they had experienced themselves when they were at their wits‘ end.
Apparently, these methods are repeated on other levels in dealing with fellow human beings when one is „at a loss“. Rules and boundaries are then set in various ways, only demonstrating that the person who established them doesn’t have a solution at hand.
I’m leaving!
At the age of three, I disagreed with the authority shown to me and was ready to leave my parents. So, I stomped off with my short, chubby legs. Since a little child takes longer, one can initially just watch where the rebellious daughter wants to go and if she might look back or even turn around. My parents would get to know my stubbornness well throughout my childhood and teenage years.
And so it happened that I didn’t turn back or stop; instead, I just kept walking. At the time, we lived in a high-rise building with about five floors. The property and garden area was extensive, but eventually, the long path to the street came to an end. There began the sidewalk to the wide world and the familiar route to the kindergarten.
As a child, I would just leave if I disagreed with what my mother or father planned for me that day. They were quite surprised that I never turned back on my own. It wasn’t just one day that I „left.“ There were always situations where I decided to leave my parents because I felt a lack of understanding and acceptance of me.
My mother, who was only 17 years old when I was born, – angered by her daughter’s stubbornness – let me walk away one day. When my father came home half an hour later and asked where I was, he was quite alarmed by the answer, „she left.“ „Where did she go?“ he asked my mother incredulously. „I don’t know, she just left. We had a fight, and she left.“
Apparently, my mother learned only on that day that you can’t just let your three-year-old daughter go somewhere on her own. After all, in many ways, she was still a child herself, so during our fight, two girls – a small one and a bigger one – were trying to assert their will.
My father then set out to find me and asked people he met if they had seen a little girl. With hints from walkers, he found me quite a distance from our apartment and convinced me to come back home. Yet, there would be numerous times when I left with a strong will because I was dissatisfied with the family system and no longer wanted to be part of the family.
I decide
Even today, there is so much I disagree with. However, now that I have better impulse control, I don’t just walk away as I did in my childhood.
I take the time to look at the situation from a distance and also time for reflection. I consider how I can change things for myself in the here and now when I have no influence over external circumstances. And I think about how I can actively shape my life in a way that satisfies me. I also have the opportunity to become aware of how I envision certain things for my life in the long term. What is really important to me in my life? What do I want for my life, and what can I do without when it comes to making a decision?
When I think back to my childhood, that determination to not accept things and situations is still within me. And the courage to leave, when it seems right, is still a part of me.
Worksheet for Reflection: I deside
